when I’m president I’m going to make a cone out of construction paper and wear it as a hat the whole day and literally no one can stop me and I will never tell anyone why I did it and refuse to acknowledge it and when they impeach me out of office I will wait a few years and then run again for president and win and do it again and again
"Sir do you realize you were going 110 miles per hour in a school zone?"
"Pretty impressive, huh?"
you know when ur older relatives say things like “aww u were so cute when u were little” like excuse me bitch im still cute
do you ever wonder how many people have had a crush on you and never told you
There’s this asshole who every time he sees me with my ukulele he thinks he’s funny and asks “Can you play any Metallica?” but the joke is now on him because I just learned how to play the intro riff to Master of Puppets.
I did it. I fucking did it. He asked me again just like I knew he would and I stared him straight in the eyes without blinking and just fucking shredded on my ukulele
*wakes up at 9* nice
*immediately falls asleep, wakes up at noon* less nice
i’m thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many damn likes you get on a picture
The bags under my eyes contain all the regretful decisions i make after 2am
Must be pretty big then